Psychologist reveals the one mistake people make in modern dating

By Michael Lee Simpson

A psychologist and dating expert says chasing chemistry over compatibility is the "biggest mistake" people make in modern dating.

Dr. Dan Rosenfeld, who earned a PhD in psychology from UCLA and has received multiple national awards from the American Psychological Association, warned against chasing the euphoric high over compatible qualities that ensure a lasting relationship.

The "Confidence Equation" author also emphasized proper timing for defining relationships and handling ghosting, urging emotional readiness and honest communication.

The biggest mistake of all, according to Dr. Rosenfeld, is prioritizing instant attraction over long-term compatibility.

"People probably look for the spark and an instant feeling of chemistry on a first date too much, and then don't give people a chance for a second date that could lead to deeper feelings of connection or compatibility," he said.

The dating expert warned against expecting immediate fireworks, explaining that people get trapped "choosing chemistry too much over compatibility and expecting an instant rush of butterflies and sparky chemistry off the bat."

He added: "People think if that's not there, it means it's not a good fit, but that's not always the case."

Dr. Rosenfeld defined compatibility as "real alignment, that's a real sense of how well you two work together as a couple, as a pair, as a union."

According to Dr. Rosenfeld, many people sabotage themselves before they even get a first date.

"People make dating profiles that have low-quality or outdated photos, too many selfies, or all of their photos are group shots with other people," he said.

The expert also noted that bios are equally problematic, explaining that people "write bios in their profiles that are either going for too much of a joke or don't really reveal anything about who they are, their life, or their interests."

While Valentine's Day can motivate singles to join dating apps, it may not necessarily be the optimal time to start.

"There might be more users earlier in the year, but there are also perhaps more people who are going on the apps in January and February who might have more of a fleeting rush to go on the apps," he said.

"Maybe they are not fully committed to finding something lasting and might just be more curious and more looking to try something new for a shorter-term period."

Dr. Rosenfeld, 29, identified a paradox in app usage where people fall into two opposing traps.

"Some people are overly selective, and it limits their options, while others might enter the apps without enough of a clear intention or idea of what they are looking for," he said.

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This lack of balance, he suggests, prevents users from making meaningful connections.

Dr. Rosenfeld, from Los Angeles, California, emphasized that many dating problems stem from internal issues rather than external circumstances.

"A big cause of mistakes people make in dating comes from a lack of self-awareness, where people don't understand their own inner experiences and feelings and emotions with enough clarity to know where those feelings are coming from," he said.

He explained that this confusion leads to misplaced emotions.

"A lot of feelings that people have when they're dating don't really have to do with the person they're with," he said.

"It really comes from internally and can be experiences they've had in the past that are surfacing and really don't have to do with the person in front of them."

The timing of when to define a relationship presents another common stumbling block.

"Some people want to define the relationship, but they wait too long and stay in an uncertain, undefined state of limbo with their partner for longer than they would like," Dr. Rosenfeld said.

Conversely, he said, "other people might rush to define the relationship too soon to gain a sense of security that can often turn out to be premature."

When addressing the widespread issue of ghosting, Dr. Rosenfeld offered pointed advice for both the ghoster and ghostee.

"If you have a tendency to ghost, then you might not be ready emotionally to be dating right now," he said.

"You might need to do some therapeutic and healing work before you are ready to date."

He explained that ghosting reveals a fundamental communication problem:.

"Ghosting is just saying that you're not able to communicate something difficult to communicate to somebody, which is a rejection," he said.

"That's a really foundational thing that you have to be able to do when you're dating."

For those being ghosted, Dr. Rosenfeld advised against taking it personally.

He said: "When you get ghosted, it says a lot more about the ghoster than the ghostee."

Common mistakes in modern dating:

• Chasing chemistry over compatibility
• Dating profiles with outdated/ low quality photos
• Being too selective
• Ghosting