Expert reveals 6 things to avoid when arguing with your partner

By Lauren Wilkin

Every couple argues, but how you argue is what matters, according to one expert.

That means the way you communicate is essential. And it turns out that many of us are making simple mistakes that can be catastrophic to our relationships.

Angela Cook, a psychologist and well-being coach, says, "when couples argue, it’s not the topic that breaks the relationship it’s the exchange and behavior."

Cook, who offers personal coaching through her company Angela Empowers in Banbury, Oxfordshire, says she regularly sees six behaviors she believes are the biggest mistakes couples make.

The following patterns "silently destroy connection, trust, and long-term stability," Cook, 50, explains.

1. Contempt

As much as anger and frustration can take hold during an argument, outwardly showing contempt can stoke a fire rather than help you come to a solution.

Cook says this includes "eye rolling, mocking and sarcasm."

"Contempt is the number one predictor of relationship breakdown," Cook says, citing Dr. John Gottman's research that highlights how easily contempt can lead to divorce.

"It communicates superiority and humiliation," Cook says, adding that it also "triggers shame, shuts down emotional safety, erodes the bond faster than any other behavior."

2. Stonewalling and abrupt withdrawal:

Stonewalling refers to emotionally shutting down in an argument and refusing to engage with your partner.

"Going silent or walking out without agreement isn’t being the nice one or the calm, it’s emotional abandonment," says Cook.

"It leads to the other partner’s nervous system going into threat mode," she adds.

This can include a raised heart rate, cortisol spikes and panic.

"This is because the body interprets it as rejection, creating long-term insecurity and distrust," Cook says.

3. Identity and blanket attacks:

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Expert reveals 6 things to avoid when arguing with your partner

Absolute statements like 'you always', 'you never,' and 'you're too sensitive' are important to avoid.

"These are cognitive distortions that attack the person, not the behavior," says Cook.

"They invalidate emotional reality and activate defensiveness. The brain shifts from connection to self-protection, leading to communication collapse and intimacy shut down."

4. Threatening the relationship:

By lashing out at your partner with threats like "maybe we should split," or "I'm done" is never productive.

Cook says that threatening the bond you and your partner have activates "primal fear circuits."

"Even if said in anger, the nervous system stores it as truth."

But this can mean "the relationship never feels safe again," leading to hypervigilance.

5. Scorekeeping and weaponizing the past:

It's difficult to stop bringing past disagreements into the present, but Cook warns "dragging old wounds into a current argument overwhelms the partner’s working memory and derails the conversation."

"Unresolved pain needs repair, not ammunition," she adds.

"It’s a problem because it teaches your partner that vulnerability will later be used against them and therefore kills emotional openness."

6. Mind reading and assuming intent:

"'You did that on purpose' is a cognitive distortion, not a fact," Cook says.

Accusing your partner of something stops you both from reaching an understanding.

Cook describes it as lethal.

"Your partner stops feeling seen and starts feeling attacked because the argument becomes a battle of motives, not a search for truth."