Grown women are relearning how to say hi to strangers, and it’s working

A lot of women hit a wall in their 40s when it comes to making friends, and it has nothing to do with effort or desire. The dorm hallways, office desks and soccer sidelines that once built friendships almost by accident are gone, and nothing built for grown women has taken their place. Ahead of Aug. 1, National Girlfriends Day, one action coach says closing that gap takes far less effort than most women assume, and it starts with one small step.

The disappearing act happens in ordinary moments that rarely feel like loss at the time. A promotion moves a friend group across the country. A youngest child starts driving, and the carpool chats and sideline small talk disappear along with the school run. A company goes remote, and the coworker who used to grab lunch turns into a name in an old group chat. None of it feels dramatic in the moment, but the calendar fills in with fewer names anyway.

Women aren’t imagining the fade, either, as loneliness among adults 45 and older just hit its highest level since AARP began tracking it in 2010. Forty percent of respondents now describe themselves as lonely, up from 35% in both 2010 and 2018. Researchers point to a familiar culprit: shrinking social circles brought on by work pressure, caregiving duties and changing family life. It is exactly the kind of quiet erosion that leaves women in their 40s wondering where their friends went.

Friendships get harder to build in your 40s

Amy Goober, an action coach and founder of Wandering Women Travel, has spent years studying why women hit a wall making friends in midlife. She said the reasons are rarely about a lack of desire. 

“First of all, they are out of practice,” Goober said. “Gone are the days of college dorms and watching your kids with other parents at softball or cheering competitions. They are rusty at making new friends and less confident.”

She also points to a second factor working against women, which is the disappearance of the office as a built-in social space. “Secondly, many women are working from home, so the friends from work are not as common,” Goober said. “Without consistent face-to-face contact, it’s difficult to form connections or the friendships that come from them.”

A low-pressure way to start a new friendship

For a woman feeling stuck, Goober does not recommend an overhaul. “I recommend the toe dipping method,” Goober said. “Just try a few things out to see how it feels. Find a yoga class, painting activity or women’s walk and sign up. Just signing up for something can create hopefulness and feels like a first step.”

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Repeated interaction is what friendship research consistently points to, and a recurring class or weekly walking group creates far more opportunities for it than a single outing ever could. Those regular encounters are the real engine behind friendship formation, giving acquaintances enough shared time to gradually become friends.

“Another option is to go to your local coffee shop,” Goober said. “Go regularly, and when you see another woman who you’ve seen before, say ‘hello.’ She will be grateful that you took the first step. Reach out to someone you like, but haven’t seen lately. Call or text and set up a time to get together. Again, she will be happy to have someone reach out.”

You are not alone in this

For women who feel isolated heading into National Girlfriends Day this year, Goober’s message is simple. “I would say that you are not alone,” she said. “So many women now are thirsty for connections and friendship. It’s become a lonely world. The best thing you can do is get out of your house and reach out to other women. Expanding your circle may take a little time, but it is always worth it.”

“Sign up and join whatever you can to get out there,” Goober said. “Take advantage of opportunities to be with other women and don’t be afraid to be the one to make the first move.”

The pattern also shows up among adults at the younger end of the 45-plus range consistently report the highest rates of loneliness, with rates easing as people move into their 60s, gain more education or reach higher household incomes. Goober sees it firsthand. The women reaching out to her for help making friends are disproportionately in their 40s, right at the point where old networks have dissolved and new ones have not yet formed.

Friendship in your 40s rarely happens by accident anymore. It takes signing up, showing up more than once and saying hello first. This year, National Girlfriends Day might be less about the women already in your life and more about the one you have not met yet: the neighbor at pickup, the regular at the coffee shop, the person one yoga class away from becoming a friend.

Jennifer Allen is a retired professional chef and long-time writer. Her work appears in dozens of publications, including MSN, Yahoo, The Washington Post and The Seattle Times. These days, she’s busy in the kitchen developing recipes and traveling the world, and you can find all her best creations at Cook What You Love.

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